—Little Black Dress
Blush: Use for that flushed “I just had sex” look that’ll attract potential mates. Evolution at work, ladies and gentlemen.
Mascara: Use to make eyelashes look longer, thicker, etc. Mascara makes eyes look larger, thus making the wearer more infantile looking. So potential mates will want to take care of you instead of trying to have sex with you. If you wish more for the latter, apply more blush.
Eyebrow brush: Use when you want to show your eyebrows some love by brushing them. Eyebrows can’t feel love but that statement is almost as absurd as wanting to change the direction the hairs of your eyebrows are going with this utensil.
Eyebrow Scissors: Use to trim your eyebrow hairs. One hopes that when used, the user is cautious when taking this sharp object close to their eyes.
And they shouldn’t trim too much hair because eyebrows are there to keep rain, dirt, sweat, etc. dripping from our foreheads out of the eyes. Evolution at work again.
Also, eyebrows are important for facial expressions so if too much hair is cut off, communication problems may arise.
Eye shadow: Use when wanting to add attention to the eyes. But when used incorrectly, it results in the opposite effect and detracts from the user’s eye color. Users are advised to be careful with the amount they put on.
Foundation: Use when unsatisfied or embarrassed by your natural skin tone. Or when you need to cover blemishes and clog your pores for future blemishes. The Organic Consumers conducted a study and found that the carcinogenic chemical 1,4-dioxane has been found in some of the most commonly used petroleum-based cosmetic products such as foundations. Small doses of a cancer causing chemical used almost every day over a long period is known to – well no research has been done to say what the end results are.
But foundation supposedly protects the skin from the sun because it covers it up. Foundation is a foreign substance on the skin and may prevent the skin from producing melanin when it’s exposed to sunlight. Melanin is the skin’s natural “sunscreen” and when the skin is constantly exposed to the sun without any of its natural protection, melanoma may occur. Genetics and family history with cancer applies as well with how someone takes care of their skin or how they deal with sunlight exposure.
Nail Polish: Use when you want decorate your nails with pigment, toluene (a chemical known to cause birth defects), dibutyl phthalate (DBP) (linked to birth defects also), and the carcinogen, or cancer causing agent, Formaldehyde.
Chapsticks/Lip Balms: Use to moisturize lips. But these usually have wax or wax like ingredients that end up drying the lips so many applications are necessary. At least your now drier lips are shiny and feel temporarily moisturized. Lick off and repeat.
Whitening strips: Use when you want a constant dose of a hydrogen peroxide gel to bleach your teeth. Because of the “one size fits all” size, the strips sometimes touches the gums and gingival irritation occurs because of the improper fitting. These strips can also weaken your teeth and are known to cause teeth sensitivity. Apparently people’s teeth weren’t meant to handle hydrogen peroxide gel on their teeth for 30 minutes, five times a week. But the gingival irritation and teeth sensitivity shouldn’t worry users. The “one size fits all” size should be more worrisome because your teeth may not look like the photoshopped photos shown in the advertisements after the proper use of these strips. The size makes proper coverage difficult and some parts of the teeth are more covered then others, so your teeth may come out multicolored when done.
A better alternative is to not wear gold jewelry around your face because that brings out the yellow in your teeth. Or consumers of this product can get the fuck over the fact that teeth have a naturally yellow tone and may stop trying to temporarily whiten their teeth.
I’d like to continue discussing more of the pictured cosmetics but it’s depressing me now. And I understand that people will probably never be secure enough with themselves* to stop using makeup, but can we at least stop making this stuff so hazardous to one’s self-esteem and health?
*People use makeup for multiple reasons and the personal reasons vary person to person. But this is the most constant reason I hear. And I use “constant” in the sense that I hear many people use that reason, and because this reason never seems to change, or be replaced with another as people age.